It’s half past midnight and I’m standing here alone under my apartment building. It’s been a little while since he left. Unsure of what to do next, I’m glued here. I tried to look for something bright around; I saw nothing besides the far streetlight and dim light at our apartment’s security cabin. The security guy looks in his mid 40’s and is giving me looks of concern as I continue to stand here alone in the dark. I hope he doesn’t come to ask me anything. I don’t think I can tell him why I’m still here. And also because I probably stink of all the drinks I have had in the past 2 hours. I don’t drink this much, especially not in public but tonight called for liquid courage. I am a heavy drinker for a woman in her 30s, I feel just fine. Upstairs my roommate, Apoorva, must be watching one of her regular series in the front room. If I go up now, she will bombard me with a number of questions about my not-so-happening love life and Honestly, I don’t think I have the strength to feed her curiosity tonight. I love her, I genuinely do but for now, I need to be alone. She’ll go to bed in a while and will surely text me asking when I will be back; that’s my cue to get in.
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment on the outskirts of Pune. The flat belongs to my brother who now lives in Canada. Initially, the flat was rented out but then I decided to move to Pune from my previous job in Ahmedabad. Like any other Indian parents, my parents too were against the idea of me living alone so I asked Apoorva to move in with me. I have known Apoorva for almost 7 years. She was one of my roommates when I joined my first job in Mumbai in 2015. We both have changed multiple jobs and cities but have kept in touch. She lives in Pune with her parents but she spends hours commuting between her job and her home, which is right in the middle of the city. She was more than happy to move in with me when I asked her to. The distance was definitely a reason, but my guess is that she wanted some distance from her parents too; who were in her own words “hammering” her with new matrimonial prospects, every day. She’s 2 years older than me, looks kickass, works her ass off, and has a high standard in guys. I see the struggle when she looks at random profiles her mother sends. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t want to get married but I don’t know. I have never really asked her if that’s the case.
As I’m waiting for Apoorva to go to bed, I stare into the night sky. I hope to see a bright star shining back or at least a glimpse of the moon but I see nothing. It’s mid-January, The weather is chilly and I could feel his warmth fading away slowly from my shoulders where he held me tight a while ago. His smell is vanishing into the night as light breezes make me shiver. I replay the last 20 minutes in my head. We were sitting in a car, too drunk to talk and yet in full senses to realize that It was all coming to an end. I remember holding him close as we sat there in silence. Funny enough the cab driver was playing radio and Lag Ja Gale played on as if it was giving us the farewell we were trying to delay. It was hardly a 15 mins drive from the restaurant to my apartment. He was going to drop me off and then will go back to his hotel. When the cab stopped, he didn’t let go of my hand. As I tried to get down our hands still tangled together. I saw something I had never seen before, resentment. I am not sure who he was resenting, himself, our situation, or me. I would have asked him but that would have been harder for both of us because he cannot deny me anything, not even the hardest answer; we will have to learn to let go. I tried to let go and he pulled me in for a hug. I don’t think I have hugged somehow as hard as I did just now. He is my hardest goodbye. We stayed there for what felt like forever yet not enough. I am sure the cab driver would have sensed the tension in the car earlier and did not ask us to hurry. Both of us cried internally, holding each other tight, not letting the tear drop just yet. He kissed me on my forehead as he finally loosened his grip on me and I felt my heart break all over again. We have said our long goodbyes before but both of us knew this one was the final one. I looked up at him and those resentful eyes now had sadness I knew too well. I breathed his santé one last time and let go. Before either of us changed our mind, He went back inside the cab and the driver drove off.
I am still standing in that very spot where he hugged me and left me. Thinking of all the things we could have done differently this past week. I wish we could have clicked more pictures, genuinely talked about our feelings, and would have finally addressed the elephant in the room. I wish we could have taken those post-dinner walks every night when he was here in this city, for me. I wish for a lot of things but I don’t dwell on them much. I see the text I received hoping it’s Apoorva finally going to bed but It is from him. Three words and a single emotion only the two of us can understand. “you are irreplaceable”
I enter the building and call the lift but without waiting for it, I start climbing up the stairs. I live on the fourth floor; I would have not minded using stairs any other day or in any other situation but tonight, I am not in my best state, to say the least. My brain is too fogged with all the drinks I have had, I am an emotional wreck inside and am wearing 4-inch heels, which make a clicking sound every step I take. It is a weeknight and I live in a decent apartment complex with mostly families around. I hope I don’t wake anyone up with my charade. I sit in the middle, between the space of the second and third floors. Effects of alcohol wearing down, my breathing heavy and feeling little better than how I felt when I started climbing without thinking. I take off my heels and tiptoe to my floor slowly and fumble to find my keys when Apoorva opens the door. Every sound heightens during the silence of winter nights. I realized I must have drawn a lot of attention with my clinching noise tonight. I try to give an apologetic smile to her but I notice her talking to someone on the phone. Who is she talking to so late?! She looks at me with weary eyes and says something in Marathi that I can’t understand. One would think I have spent enough time in Maharashtra and have made a lot of local friends to be able to understand the language but Naah! I fail miserably most of the time. I can understand bits and pieces when I give my full attention but not tonight. I sit on the sofa and look at her as she goes into the kitchen and comes with a water bottle in hand and is no longer on the phone. I don’t meet her eyes and take the bottle thinking she might have smelled the liquor on me. She gives me elder sister vibes sometimes and scares the hell out of me when I do something visibly stupid. I brace for some question or remark on my state but to my surprise, she leaves the room and wishes me good night as she goes into her room.
Damn waiting for chapter 2