I have come to realize that bravery can mean two very different things; sometimes one has to guard up and face the world and other times, one has to strip down and cave in. Both of these take a lot of courage. Tonight, we will be baring our souls and giving into the emotions and thoughts both of us dread – being vulnerable.
We changed into our identical onesies, the only matching pair of clothing we own. We bought it 4 years ago from the streets of Bandra when I was leaving Mumbai for good. It was just a simple promise of solidarity that no matter what, we will have each other’s back.
I set down, legs folded on my bed with a spoon in one hand and now a little thawed ice cream tub in another. Across me I see Apoorva getting comfortable on a beanbag with her Game of Thrones inspired goblet and an unopened dark Toblerone bar. I spot the wine bottle nearby the closed window and smile to myself knowingly. For anyone who does not know, it takes a lot of self-control to limit yourself to a single wine glass when there is Toblerone to go with it. I look at Apoorva opening the chocolate bar and flashback to the time when I had discovered this perfect combination. I clearly remember I had planned to skip dinner that night and went straight to the café next to my office. He is there too, in that memory of my simple regular weeknight. Sipping his soda and starring me with concerned eyes as I gulp down my second glass of wine. I am pretty sure we weren’t working together around that time and yet there he was. I come back to my reality before Apoorva notices the dull pain surfacing.
I try to sound chirpy and ask her to spill the beans. She takes a deep breath and finally says, “Do you remember the guy I met in Paris?” I take a big spoonful of my ice cream as I try to remember but before I could say anything, she continues:
“When I was in London, for my onsite and had decided to visit Paris during Christmas break…”
I remember her mentioning someone after that holiday. I nod and she continues. “I went to see him today!” I see little sparks in her eyes as she says that.
“I thought you were “Meeting” someone your parents fixed up for you,” I say making a quote sign in the air as I say meeting.
“I was!” “I mean, He is the same guy.” “When I first met him in Paris, it was on my own, I had not told my parents about him. We had met through a friend of a friend; we crossed paths as we were in the same hostel for 4 nights during our respective trips. It turned out that 2 of my friends knew him and 2 more people in his group so we planned sightseeing together for the remaining days. We did spend a lot of time together during those few days and I was immediately attracted to him. I had never felt that kind of gravity towards anyone in my life. To be honest, it kind of scared me a little.”
I stare at her blankly, with the spoon still in my mouth and thinking how come I didn’t know about this guy at all? We surely kept in touch over the years.
She starts again, “After Christmas and New year’s celebrations ended. We hardly kept in touch but that is how it is when you are onsite. I could hardly talk to mummy regularly. I didn’t realize and 2 months had passed by. We had a long weekend coming up in the first week of March and I was eager to tick off another European country before I get called back. I was talking with my friends there and was trying to gather people to come along but no one agreed. On a whim, I texted him and asked if he wanted to visit Rome with me. I would be lying if I said that I was not expecting a yes from him. I think I asked him because I know he will come.”
She had that sad smile on her face and I was getting impatient with the pause. I don’t think I was even enjoying my ice cream at all. I was just scooping up and swallowing it, freezing my brains and guts. I could not wait any longer and ended up asking her, “So what happened? How come I have not heard of him in the last 3 years if it was all that well in the beginning.”
Breaking from her train of thoughts, She looked at me and said, “Be patient, it is not one of your story books.”
I have always been the impatient one; I think that comes with the territory of being the youngest one growing up. I waited for her to continue.
“Lipi, I wish I had what you have. I do! To be able to see people for who they are and what they can be. You know, to see the potential. To be able to read people’s minds and help them without them ever asking. To be able to see good in people, no matter how bad they are in that very situation. Being able to reason with others’ actions and giving them a chance. Taking that risk!”
I, I do not know how I feel. This was certainly not something I was hoping to hear. I am not that good of a person. I am not. I am ashamed of myself; I can’t look at her now. She made me sound like some saint. I try to speak but am unsure of what to say. I stay there silent and she speaks again.
“Don’t flatter yourself. I am not saying you are some angel or anything great. I hate that you can never make up your mind. More often than not, I get so irritated by you that I want to kick your ass but after knowing you long enough, I can say that you are worth it. You make life more livable. Even though I can never see it like you do but I appreciate the way you look at life. It is hopeful.”
I sigh and feel sorry for reasons I do not know. “You know, you could have just simply used the word “Optimistic!” I say quoting in the air.
Apoorva takes a long sip and takes a minute before speaking again. “Probably but I wish there were more of you than me in this world. We need more of what you have to offer.”
I am a little annoyed now that she thinks she is any different. I need more of her in this world; to align daydreams like me with reality but I do not tell her that. Instead, I ask her again. “I do not understand what this all has to do with this guy we are talking about.”
She gives me a smile that does not reach her eyes and says “I thought I will loose your tail with some flattery but alas!”
I give her that big fake smile signaling her “Not a chance!”
She holds up her hands in the air, accepting defeat before starting again. “You know, you could have just asked me his name first and you will not have to call him this guy or that guy.” She smiles.
“His name is Nakuul. Before you ask; yes, I was instantly attracted to him from our first encounter but it was not the looks that got my attention. To tell you honestly, He is not all I thought I wanted in a guy; you know that tall, dark, and handsome with beard criteria I told you about and you told me to look for more than that in a person.”
I nod but she is still talking, oblivious to it.
“You told me to find that connection. I found it when I was in Paris. For someone who isn’t a big believer of romance or destiny or whatever you guys call it, finding something like that in the city of Love is kind of irony if you think about it.”
I am shocked but I don’t stop her. Is she in love? What is she saying and why can’t she just get to the point?
“Nakuul is nice. By the standards I have, I know that It is a compliment. He is a lot like me and yet somewhat different. He is practical too but I feel like he is more mature. No, he isn’t that older than I am but he is more humble than I will ever be. When we were in Rome, I could feel it in my gut that he is the one but I am not the one to take it all just because I felt it. I am and have always been mind over matters kind of person. I wanted to make sure he wants the same things as I do from life before investing in him, in us.”
She looks at me, wondering if I am still listening and I nod, asking her to continue.
“That is why I said what I said about you. If that night in Rome, I had been a little hopeful, a bit more optimistic, someone who could see potential in a person or a situation, I would not have wasted all this time looking for that same connection in everyone I met after him.” She gives me a sad smile and I could feel it in my bones because I know that feeling very well.
“On our 3rd and last day in Rome, I had to know about what is it that we are doing. I knew whatever “it” was, it was mutual… but I am too punctual, too planned, and too practical for “let’s see and go with the flow” analogies.” She gives me that smile of regret that says, I knew it will mess things up but I had to do it anyway.
“Turns out, I had to be right, again. As I told you, we are a lot alike and I think I already knew all the answers even before I asked them out loud. We wanted the same things in life but we were at different stages in life. He too wanted something of what we had but he was too busy to commit. He was busy making a career that he wanted all his life; he was too busy to have that kind of distraction as we practical people call it. I too had a family to answer to and had no patience or hope as you may call it, to wait for something that might or might not happen.” She sighs.
“We enjoyed whatever time we had together and parted ways that night with no hope for a probable “us”. It was not heartbreaking but I would be lying if I said it did not hurt at all.” She exhaled as if she was holding her breath all this while and then she smiled as if all is well in the world now.
“Then last week, I received a text from him asking me to meet and catch up. It so happened that my parents found his profile on the matrimonial side and because he is back in India for good, they sent an interest to his profile without my knowledge. Our parents showed us each other’s profiles as usual without knowing that we already knew each other. It has been over 4 months since he is back and has settled back in Hyderabad with his parents. Did I mention that he wanted to settle somewhere in Germany or Netherlands when we met? Nevermind! That was not something that bothered me but yeah he is back now and wants to settle in India, close to his parents.
I met him twice in the last 10 days and today, out of the blue he very clearly expressed his intentions to me; which is to date in order to get married eventually. I am not a big romantic myself and yet I fell a little when he expressed himself so calmly, clearly, and so openly to me. Quoting the exact words he said “Apoorva, My career will always be my priority. I was built that way; it gives me a sense of purpose that I am needed somewhere; it boosts my confidence to face the world every day; I am happy where I am. I will not say I am content because that would be lying I thrive for more when it comes to my job and I have a feeling you can understand that. I have spent the last 8 years away from my parents. I am not much of a sentimental person but I miss them. Better late than never, I realized they miss me too. They are getting old and I am their only son. I am a selfish person and I have no shame in admitting that but my parents have spent the better part of their life making me into the person I am today. Both of them are retired now and I want to be there for them; not only on phone so far away that they have to think twice before calling me, their own son when they really need me. I am a realist; I know I do not have forever with them. I am not the one for regrets either; I want to have whatever good or bad time I have left with them. I am at a place in life where I can choose to entertain this idea of staying close to family and having a life outside the office because I have given enough of myself to my professional life. I have invested in it enough to have the kind of liberty I am opting for now. If you are wondering why don’t I take my parents with me to wherever I wish to settle, the answer is simple, they do not wish to, Their world is here and they are content with it. If you are willing, I want to give us an actual chance and see, if what both of us felt in Rome is still here, and is forever to stay or not. I liked spending time with you. I could see a lot of myself in you and with you. We are not getting any younger so if we do this, if we date, know that it will be for a life I want to build and not just for the sake of it. Think about it” All I could do is node when he said it all.”
Apoorva is now looking at me with expectant eyes, asking for some kind of reaction or approval, I am not sure what! Observing if I liked what I just heard. I did. I liked him. I don’t judge people; I try to reason with them and I always appreciate a person who can listen to his heart, hold his ground and be vulnerable enough to address it and accept himself in front of someone else. We, humans, are taught to be brave but they forget to tell us that accepting your emotions, and being vulnerable is an act of bravery too.
“What are you thinking?” I asked Apoorva as I ponder about what I thought of him.
Apoorva gave me a purposeful smile and says, “I like him!”
I nod and give her the expression which conveys that, “I already know that and I am fishing for more here.”
“I am having a hard time trusting that a person, especially a guy like him can be so thoughtful with what his parents think or wishes!” “As I said, I am not like you. I tend to doubt people and their intentions. Though I know he means what he says but it makes me wonder if he will ever regret taking this step. Choosing his family over his career in this way!”
I smile and wonder if she really wants me to answer that before speaking, “Do you want me to answer that? You do remember the big speech you gave me before starting this conversation, right?! Appu, It is not in my instincts to entertain that kind of thought but just to make it clearer for you, No. I do not think he will regret it. However, if he does regret it someday, he will just have to remind himself of what were his priorities when he made that decision. And please, don’t portray him like he is stopping everything to be around his parents. Maybe, he is just choosing a more harmonious life than the one he is leading now. You never know, He is taking that risk to have a more content personal life. Whatever may be the cause of his actions, they are is admirable, to say the least.”
Apoorva nodes but I do not think she agrees with me fully.
I look down and realized that I am out of ice cream. I have finished the whole tub and I am still a little sad; that my friends say a lot about me. I cannot be sad when I am high on sugar. I will not be addressing my thoughts or feelings whatever it is that is weighing me down this past few days without some kind of sugary treats at my disposal.
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