Yash was on call when Khushi finally woke up. It was almost 10 as she checked on the wall clock; and in less than few moments of peace, last night struck her hard. Besides the horrible headache, it was time to face the reality she managed to escape last night. Reality, she slept over. She’ll have to deal with the mess she has made. There was no running away but first the headache. Hungover and hopeless, she tried to get up but she was weak and drained out. Somehow she managed to get up and on the side table she found herself 2 aspirins and lime water; turns out water was still lukewarm- The ultimate cure to her hangovers. A sad smile crossed her face. After all that happened last night, Yash was still thinking about her. She was feeling more and more pathetic with every passing minute. She could hear Yash talking on the phone in sitting area. It sounded like he was on call with his sister who was not able to understand something he was trying to explain.
Yash and his sister are close; they grew up together. One can say she was his best friend. Khushi guessed Dhruvi – His sister, must be asking him about the proposal which he must have discussed with her in the first place. Khushi who was also friends with her, was now more guilty. Khushi checked her phone, few messages from Megha – her best friend , saying she will be having a small gathering at her place for the new years. She expects her to reach early so that they can finish up with some shopping and decorations on time. Khushi was quite a hand when it comes to organizing parties and events but somehow, Khushi was unsure about her visit now. After everything that happened, She felt like running away somewhere faraway but she knew she couldn’t do that, not again.
She had to prepare herself before talking to Yash. He deserves to know that he wasn’t at fault for whatever happened. She got up to freshened up. She wasn’t sure what she’d be saying to him, as there was no explanation for her actions; and it was also important to talk soon. They were adults and it was her time to behave like one. It was an unending argument between her mind and her heart on how to start the conversation. However, She decided not to practice anything in front of mirror – she does that all the time though. Truth will take the front seat when the time will come and there should be no mincing of words, as it is good for him to hear the raw truth. It will be hard for him first but it will help him get through.
When she came out of bathroom, Yash was there – right in front of her eyes. Sipping his hot black coffee and sitting on chair by the window. Khushi, unsure on how to start the conversation, set on the bed looking at him.
Yash: “I think you should have something. Your headache will get worse on an empty stomach.”
Yash: “Khushi, You do realize that we’ll have to talk about last night…”
Khushi: “Yes, and I wan…”
Yash: ”but first, finish your breakfast and then I’m all ears to listen”
Khushi was relaxed a little that Yash was being mature to talk it out and he seemed cool too. They finished their breakfast in silence.
Khushi: “I am sorry Yash!”
Yash: “Sorry?!!! You ran away… literally!! And you are sorry, look Khushi I’m mad.. I’m really really mad at you… Please tell me that there’s more than just a sorry… I think I deserve more than that…”
Yash got up in anger; Khushi panicked, she had never heard him so loud. He likes control. He was more like a cold-headed person; anger and him – that doesn’t happen easily. Then again, it was not just other thing – it was about his future and… he had all the right to be angry. Couple of minutes passed, she let him calm down and took a deep breath.
Khushi: “There’s no explanation… Words won’t help much… but I’m going to make an attempt anyway. You deserve to know.“
“I think I can marry you; I think we can have a great life; I think we can have everything we have ever wanted; I love you – I actually do. I love you because you have seen me broken and loved me… I can marry you for all those reasons… “
Yash was angry and confused; he mocked a laugh.
Yash: ”I’m sorry! Are you?? I’m having hard time understanding you here… are you trying to…”
Khushi: “Shsh. NO and please don’t utter another word till I finish. It takes every cell of my body to speak to you right now, and I still have this horrible headache. You see… aspirins are no magic.”
Khushi calmed herself down before starting again.
Khushi: “I love you…you are one of the best thing that has happened to me. You are my tape and glue. You know, like you hold me together – in one piece. For all that you do, for who you are to me…God knows, I am grateful. My life would have fallen apart without you. When I first came to US, I was broken. Honestly, I had ran away from that place where everybody knew me but I guess you already know that… I ran away because I felt like a different person in the same body and same place, similar situations but I… I wasn’t there! I had lost my spirit.”
“Now when I look back, I know that I was broken back then. When you came in my life, I was alone, learning to love every piece of me. I was trying to heal alone…and you happened. You helped me put in my pieces together and held me together in your warmth. I was a puzzle to you; you put in the pieces, as you thought were right. You helped me get a grip over my life. You know, you are one of the strongest people I know! I can marry you for all that you did and I know it for a fact that you won’t let me go through anything alone, ever. I can marry you because I trust you with my life. “
“All my life… before coming here, I made my own decisions because I was sure of what I needed to do. I never required the tape and glue. And until last night, I did not realize I was still broken and was still running away from my past self. I thought I was whole again, I thought I was myself again – I thought, you had made me better version of myself. I always knew I’d never be the person as I was before. People change and sometimes it’s for good. I’m not sure if I’m changed for good or it’s just a phase. I can marry you but I’m scared if I ever become the person I was. I’m unsure; Marriage is big decision for me. I have seen my parents; they were love. I want to live a life full of love – the fairy-tale love but I also want to be honest in my marriage. I want to be… I want to be the better half in my marriage and as of now, I’m not sure if I’m ‘me’ enough to be the half of it. I don’t know if it’s at all making any sense to you…
I just can not be broken forever, I’ll have to heal and ones I heal – I might not be the same person you chose to marry!”
Yash did not understand much. More confused that he looked…
Yash: “Sahil, you still love him, right?”
Khushi did not stop for a second before answering the question. She knew the answer. She was little embarrassed but it was time for the truth to take the front sit.
Khushi: “It was not until last night that I realized that He is the missing part of me… and I love him too much. He has been part of me since forever – how can I miss it! I should not have ran away in the first place.
Yes, I love him. I love him because he understood me better than me. I love him because he handled my moods better than me, I love him because he knows what I need better than me… he knew back then too… he knew, I wasn’t ready for what I was doing. He stopped…and I was stupid and immature enough that I did not give him a chance to say anything, something. This wouldn’t have happened if I had listened to him. Now, I’m wondering what he could have said. He has always been the sane one in the two of us. The thought of what could have been is… killing me. I might have missed my chance with him but I will go back and check if he is still the same guy who always had my back, who held my hand through life. We probably never end up in a marriage but… I have to go and tell him… Tell him that I was wrong… that he is a part of me… not just random chapter of my life. He will have to be there, always & forever. He is the broken missing part of me and I’ll have to fix me. I’m not perfect and i know, there’s no perfect. ”
After realizing that it must have broken Yash listening about Sahil, Khushi finally stopped. She took Yash’s hands in hers.
Khushi: “You deserve better than me – not the right now version of me. Sorry, Don’t get confused, I just want you to know that he is not the reason why I am not sure of this marriage. I’m just not ready yet. I’m not myself yet. You do not know me – the whole me, the more crazier me. You know only this version of me where I am still in the padding, where I’m still in the safe place. What will happen when I will be everything else you haven’t seen or imagined in past 2 years? I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful and purest love in the world…and speaking for myself, I’m not there yet. “
Khushi was done pouring her heart out… it took Yash sometime to finally get his voice back.
Yash: “Whooph. That was too much. I’m still not understanding if you want me wait or you… are you saying no?! Honestly, I do not enjoy complicated. “
He listened to everything but was frustrated; Khushi knew, it was time to say it out loud.
Khushi: ”I have always been too much Yash. The fact that now you think I’m too much is because I have started to heal completely. Thanks to you, I’m being myself again…and from what I know, you will not be able to handle too much. I love you but not too much, not enough to marry you. I am sorry. “
He knew the answer by now, he had imagined this moment for over thousand times now but he was devastated when he finally heard those words. One can not beg to be loved. There was no going back now. He thought he knew Khushi long enough for what he was planning; but he admitted to himself that he hasn’t heard Khushi talking such emotions in all their times together. The Khushi he knew had different level of emotional understandings. He thought, he knew Khushi better to love her wholly. The speech or whatever explanation Khushi gave, shook him up. He started doubting himself. As he dug deep, He found that Khushi was the perfect girl he ever met; he wasn’t able to point of her flows. Maybe because all these while, he did not realized he was making her everything he wanted her to be. Khushi was emotionally broken to be herself so, she became everything he liked. They never had much of a difference of opinion let alone a fight. He cannot blame her now because she had told him everything about her life, including Sahil on first 3 dates. He realized, He was wrong all these time….
There wasn’t much of the talk the following afternoon, they checked out of their hotel and headed to the airport.
Khushi decided to go ahead with plan and left for Chicago whereas Yash was heading to Seattle to meet his parents. He needed the time out, for himself. Khushi informed the change of plan to Megha as she headed to the boarding gate.