While writing this, I’m still crying. I have just finished watching a movie – “Me Before You”. I love that movie. I have actually watched it quite a few times now but I cry every time I watch it. May be not as badly as this time, but I do. Sometimes I think I watch such movies just to cry. (Oh yeah, I have a couple of more movies!) I watch to drain out all the pain I’m feeling. Crying helps me!!
I dramatize life. I don’t see it in a simple way. I don’t let go of people or even things for that matter. I have intensity that I’m not so proud of. I’m tough and it is hard not being able to be me and still be okay. If you know what I mean?!! I don’t have many people who are okay with me being me. I am someone who wants to love and be loved, who wants to talk to people and trust them. I want to listen to people talking without their mask. I want to learn from people and their experiences. I want to inspire them with mine. I have realized I am one of those souls who is never completely satisfied. I always want some more of everything. It is kind of sad, not to ever be fully happy. My expectations from life are way too high. I want to feel every damn thing that is possible. I want to feel happiness in every form possible; I hope that’s what will make me happy.
I have always believed change is the only constant in life. Back in my 7th std, I had made a presentation just for fun. It was based on Life Cycle and it had this one line “Change is the Law of Life”. I guess I’m always looking forward to that change, one after another. They say you spend your whole life rewriting the first poem you ever loved. I guess I made the bad choice.
I feel sad wondering if I’ll ever find my peace or if I’ll ever be genuinely happy for more than just a few seconds. I’m scared if I will ever find my home in a person or a place. If I’ll ever be satisfied?! Especially, when you have low self-confidence and high expectations from life. Life is finite and I certainly don’t want to take it for granted.
One of my favorite quotes from Me Before You is:
“You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible!”
I wonder if I’ll be able to fulfill my duty because I want to live. I don’t just want to settle. I want to live well.