Whilst on my way to the nutritionist, I discovered on radio about today being the World Mental Health Day. Abruptly, I decided to pen down my thoughts. I had to, I was important to me. With so many people talking about mental health and depression nowadays, I wanted to tell a few things too. It is not only for those who are mentally ill but also for those who are surrounded by such. People need to understand what one goes through and how their slightest gesture can change the situation for better or worse. How can I be so sure of the situation? You’ll understand only as you read further.
I’m almost 23YO and for a very long time, I blamed others for my condition. Conditions? Well, I had anxiety issues, terrible mood swings, bad eating habits, haunting loneliness, awfully low self-esteem and what not- Borderline personality disorder!
I have had these issues for as long as I can remember; surely more than 8 years now. For a long time, I did not realize it was a mental condition, which needed my attention. Even when I finally realized it, I did not bother much and continued with my life style. I have had couple of breakdowns; most recent one was in January and it opened my eyes. It was a long weekend and I was in the office alone, early morning about 6.30-7. I was crying for no particular reason; I had to cry, out loud. I was stuck at a point in my mind – I wanted to die. I was roaming around in the office looking for different ways to hurt myself. I was in Hiranandani building 5th floor and all I could do was to stare out of the window. I don’t remember logging into my system either; I just couldn’t do it. All sounds filmy? Well, it wasn’t! I’m describing one of the nightmares I have lived and trust me I would not want anyone to go through the same, ever! My situation was worse that day, normally when I go through such episode I have people around to distract myself but that day I was all alone, even the security guys were between the shifts. After unsuccessful attempts to distract myself, I tried talking to my mom but she wasn’t much of help. Mainly because she was not aware of my conditions, I never bothered to tell her because she had hard time witnessing me trying to commit suicide when I was 15YO. I remember how badly it broke her heart. Since it was an early morning on a holiday, all my friends were in deep sleep, and I was clueless what to do. I had to do something; it was eating me. I messaged one of my best friends who was holidaying in US that time, God heard me! She managed to remind me of the things that matter; things that I know existed but chose not to take positively. She was right there on the phone till the time she was sure that I wouldn’t entertain those stupid thought I’ll always be thankful to her! My point here is, no matter which doctor I visit or medicines I take, it was me who had to take action in the moment of need. It was me who had to fight for myself with myself and it is the hardest! If I had given up, I might have ended up hurting myself. No one was there to stop me but myself. Instead, I chose to call a friend. I certainly felt that I am disturbing her but it was just my anxiety talking.
It started getting better after that because I chose to do something about it. I started making changes in my lousy life style. I took steps challenging my comfort zones. It’s not like I haven’t had rough times after that and everything’s been flowery, I had my times. I know it for a fact that mine is an ongoing war and I’ll have to fight it every time it kicks back; but for now, I have conquered the most important and possibly the hardest part, to acknowledge the issue and learn how to fight it. I am happy I did before it was too late!
“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times” I added my part and chose to stick to it “… be ready to push yourself!” I am hanging onto it.
Thanks for reading! 🙂
PS: All I’m trying to tell here is, if I can do it… you can do it too! Not many realize what they are dealing with, and it is very important to give time for oneself. Self -love is way to underrated. I found my cause and started mending the roots. Make sure you do yours!